Review: Masking Tape
Apr. 4th, 2007 07:51 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
pilot_starToday I shall write a review on masking tape.
A while ago, I was graced with the possession of a roll of masking tape.
It cost one dollar. At the dollar store. Plus tax.
It looks like a relatively harmless roll of masking tape, doesn't it?
But who could possibly have known that such a typical looking roll of adhesive material would harbor such... monstrosities.
Not I, surely.
But I digress. On with the review, in which I shall test the capabilities of this roll of masking tape.
Test Number One: Sticking Things to Other Things:
In this test, I have attempted to stick a piece of canvas onto another piece of canvas, so I have a support to paint on while I carry on with my homework assignment.
In fact, this is not even a very scientific process. You can clearly see that I have added a piece of scotch tape into the formula for reinforcement.
Alas, after not ten minutes, even the scotch tape couldn't help the situation, and my homework had tragically descended and become part of the ground upon which we walk.
At least it's oil paint. It can polish up the floor nice and shiny.
Test Result Number One: FAIL
It doesn't fucking stick.
Test Number Two: Dressing up as a Mummy
If, by chance, you would like to dress up as a particularly fantastic mummy, with stiff crackling bandages, then you might want to considering using masking tape as a substitute for, say, toilet paper.
I decided to save you the trouble of placing more... potent adhesives in your sensitive areas, and instead proceeded to cover my hand with masking tape the same way I would the rest of my body if I were to dress up as a mummy.
As you can see, it's a little tricky, getting the tape around the fingers. If you insist upon using crappy tape for your costume, I would recommend painting your skin grey with face paint first.
It also restricts your movements quite a bit. There's me exerting all my human strength in order to bend my fingers. I advise you not to expect to be able to go chat away on MSN after you apply your costume.
Here's me exerting more strength than my human strength in order to bend my fingers. GgGrrrlreewwwe.
If you would like to do a sort of "Tutankhamen Bursts From His Bandages as a Rotting Corpse Prepared to Eat the Brains of any Nearby Victim" scenario, then I suggest ripping the tape just a little, and striking a fearsome pose.
All in all, the tape is stiff, restricting, and hurts like a motherfucker when you try to take it off, but if that's your intention, then by all means.
Test Result Number Two: FAIL
Because it hurted.
Test Number Three: Keeping my Head on my Neck
The next test involves me wondering if my neck would fall off if it didn't have tape to reinforce it. I decided to test it out.
This diagram illustrates the technical aspects of placing tape on one's neck. You can see where my head is, where the tape is, and where my neck is. Make sure you don't put tape on your eyes, because that can lead to loss of all your eyelashes.
After suffering through a minor suffocation incident when the tape restricted my air intake, I daringly risked my head falling off and chipped off the masking tape. As you can see, my head is still intact, and I am grinning like a madman because I am so glad that my head didn't fall off. When I ripped the tape off though, a few of my hairs came with it.
And it hurted like a motherfucker.
Test Result Number Three: FAIL
My head is still intact.
Test Number Four: Keeping Gypsy in Place
Every once in a while, Gypsy (my Beanie Baby) who lives on my desk and serves as my wrist rest while I'm surfing will fly off my desktop with no warning whatsoever.
I'm not sure why this happens, but I think it's a sign of protest against the way I'm treating her, which is immoral and unethical.
But I'll show her. I'll keep her in place with an iron fist and roll of masking tape.
This diagram illustrates how I intend to keep Gypsy in place and immobile, at which point I can place my big fat wrist on her and surf the internet.
However, after a feeble attempt at web-surfing, Gypsy had already moved. Whether this is due to incompetence on the part of the tape or the iron will of Gypsy's determination to escape from this torture chamber, we will never know.
Test Result Number Four: FAIL
But Gypsy is still on my desk. HA.
Test Number Five: Turning Gypsy into a Fighting Machine
The tape on Gypsy reminded me of a picture I've seen floating around the internet.
Specifically, this one:
It had me wondering... perhaps I could channel Gypsy's energy into sparring for entertainment? I amaze myself sometimes.
I followed the instructions in the image and taped a steak-knife over Gypsy.
Alas, Gypsy was so worn out with trying to escape my grasp as I was forcefully binding masking tape and knife over it, that by the time I was done it was too exhausted to even pose for the photo.
Test Result Number Five: FAIL
Because Gypsy couldn't fight afterwards.
Test Number Six: Taping Paintbrushes
Every so often, I would be a lazy ass and do stupid things such as leave my paint brushes in water overnight, in paint thinner overnight, on my desk covered in oil paints (which is not so bad), and forget to wash them after using gesso.
Some of those things would lead to a paintbrush with a cracked coat of paint. All the other would lead to a brush that ends up in the garbage.
And when a paintbrush gets a crack, it annoys the user by swiveling around in that annoying way of its, and threatening to fall off the handle without actually doing so.
Times like that, you need to whip out your handy masking tape and bind the hell out of the sucker.
I have done so here, and indeed it has stopped the brush from squiggling around.
However, I had to pull the tape really tight, and there's no guarantee that it would stay on.
Test Result Number Six: ADEQUATE
Because it stopped squiggling.
So, in summary, I give this roll of masking tape a score of:
1.5/10
Because
IT'S MASKING TAPE. AND IT DOESN'T STICK. WHAT GOOD IS MASKING TAPE THAT DOESN'T FUCKING STICK?
And thus ends my review. I hope this has educated you in your consumer decisions when it comes to masking tape. Namely, do not buy masking tape from dollar stores, because they don't fucking work.
A while ago, I was graced with the possession of a roll of masking tape.
It cost one dollar. At the dollar store. Plus tax.
It looks like a relatively harmless roll of masking tape, doesn't it?
But who could possibly have known that such a typical looking roll of adhesive material would harbor such... monstrosities.
Not I, surely.
But I digress. On with the review, in which I shall test the capabilities of this roll of masking tape.
Test Number One: Sticking Things to Other Things:
In this test, I have attempted to stick a piece of canvas onto another piece of canvas, so I have a support to paint on while I carry on with my homework assignment.
In fact, this is not even a very scientific process. You can clearly see that I have added a piece of scotch tape into the formula for reinforcement.
Alas, after not ten minutes, even the scotch tape couldn't help the situation, and my homework had tragically descended and become part of the ground upon which we walk.
At least it's oil paint. It can polish up the floor nice and shiny.
Test Result Number One: FAIL
It doesn't fucking stick.
Test Number Two: Dressing up as a Mummy
If, by chance, you would like to dress up as a particularly fantastic mummy, with stiff crackling bandages, then you might want to considering using masking tape as a substitute for, say, toilet paper.
I decided to save you the trouble of placing more... potent adhesives in your sensitive areas, and instead proceeded to cover my hand with masking tape the same way I would the rest of my body if I were to dress up as a mummy.
As you can see, it's a little tricky, getting the tape around the fingers. If you insist upon using crappy tape for your costume, I would recommend painting your skin grey with face paint first.
It also restricts your movements quite a bit. There's me exerting all my human strength in order to bend my fingers. I advise you not to expect to be able to go chat away on MSN after you apply your costume.
Here's me exerting more strength than my human strength in order to bend my fingers. GgGrrrlreewwwe.
If you would like to do a sort of "Tutankhamen Bursts From His Bandages as a Rotting Corpse Prepared to Eat the Brains of any Nearby Victim" scenario, then I suggest ripping the tape just a little, and striking a fearsome pose.
All in all, the tape is stiff, restricting, and hurts like a motherfucker when you try to take it off, but if that's your intention, then by all means.
Test Result Number Two: FAIL
Because it hurted.
Test Number Three: Keeping my Head on my Neck
The next test involves me wondering if my neck would fall off if it didn't have tape to reinforce it. I decided to test it out.
This diagram illustrates the technical aspects of placing tape on one's neck. You can see where my head is, where the tape is, and where my neck is. Make sure you don't put tape on your eyes, because that can lead to loss of all your eyelashes.
After suffering through a minor suffocation incident when the tape restricted my air intake, I daringly risked my head falling off and chipped off the masking tape. As you can see, my head is still intact, and I am grinning like a madman because I am so glad that my head didn't fall off. When I ripped the tape off though, a few of my hairs came with it.
And it hurted like a motherfucker.
Test Result Number Three: FAIL
My head is still intact.
Test Number Four: Keeping Gypsy in Place
Every once in a while, Gypsy (my Beanie Baby) who lives on my desk and serves as my wrist rest while I'm surfing will fly off my desktop with no warning whatsoever.
I'm not sure why this happens, but I think it's a sign of protest against the way I'm treating her, which is immoral and unethical.
But I'll show her. I'll keep her in place with an iron fist and roll of masking tape.
This diagram illustrates how I intend to keep Gypsy in place and immobile, at which point I can place my big fat wrist on her and surf the internet.
However, after a feeble attempt at web-surfing, Gypsy had already moved. Whether this is due to incompetence on the part of the tape or the iron will of Gypsy's determination to escape from this torture chamber, we will never know.
Test Result Number Four: FAIL
But Gypsy is still on my desk. HA.
Test Number Five: Turning Gypsy into a Fighting Machine
The tape on Gypsy reminded me of a picture I've seen floating around the internet.
Specifically, this one:
It had me wondering... perhaps I could channel Gypsy's energy into sparring for entertainment? I amaze myself sometimes.
I followed the instructions in the image and taped a steak-knife over Gypsy.
Alas, Gypsy was so worn out with trying to escape my grasp as I was forcefully binding masking tape and knife over it, that by the time I was done it was too exhausted to even pose for the photo.
Test Result Number Five: FAIL
Because Gypsy couldn't fight afterwards.
Test Number Six: Taping Paintbrushes
Every so often, I would be a lazy ass and do stupid things such as leave my paint brushes in water overnight, in paint thinner overnight, on my desk covered in oil paints (which is not so bad), and forget to wash them after using gesso.
Some of those things would lead to a paintbrush with a cracked coat of paint. All the other would lead to a brush that ends up in the garbage.
And when a paintbrush gets a crack, it annoys the user by swiveling around in that annoying way of its, and threatening to fall off the handle without actually doing so.
Times like that, you need to whip out your handy masking tape and bind the hell out of the sucker.
I have done so here, and indeed it has stopped the brush from squiggling around.
However, I had to pull the tape really tight, and there's no guarantee that it would stay on.
Test Result Number Six: ADEQUATE
Because it stopped squiggling.
So, in summary, I give this roll of masking tape a score of:
1.5/10
Because
IT'S MASKING TAPE. AND IT DOESN'T STICK. WHAT GOOD IS MASKING TAPE THAT DOESN'T FUCKING STICK?
And thus ends my review. I hope this has educated you in your consumer decisions when it comes to masking tape. Namely, do not buy masking tape from dollar stores, because they don't fucking work.
